The Real Reason You Flaked: When Anxiety Wears the Mask of Excuses
When the Excuse Isn’t the Truth
I want to follow up from the previous post discussing why people aren’t showing up to events as often as they used to. I truly believe there is so much more going on with all of us and that we shy away from talking about it during casual conversation. Sure, there are days when the easiest thing to say is, “Something came up.” And you might blame it on a sudden headache, a packed schedule, or even a twisted ankle. But deep down, you know none of that is the whole story. The truth is more complex, less socially acceptable, and honestly, harder to admit: you just didn’t want to be seen. Not because you didn’t care about the plans or the people—but because you couldn’t bring yourself to show up in the version of you that you were carrying that day. I know. I’ve been there many times.
Some days you just aren’t feeling it. But feeling something.
The Anxiety That Silently Shapes Our Decisions
Moments before leaving your home or calling that rideshare to attend an event that’s been in your calendar for weeks…something happens. You feel uneasy, perhaps you start breathing in an unusual pattern or you tense up. You can’t go. You pull out your phone and text your friend, “so sorry, I can’t make it tonight! Next time!” Except, for your friend, this was next time and a pattern they’ve observed for a while.
This is a type of anxiety that doesn’t always get talked about. It doesn’t scream or collapse on the floor and start crying. Instead, it quietly lingers in the background, telling you not to get dressed, not to deal with your reflection, not to go out into a world that you feel disconnected from. And rather than calling it what it is—fear, exhaustion, a dip in confidence—we dress it up in excuses that feel safer to say out loud. Excuses, I might add, that temporarily protect us from judgment but ultimately disconnect us from the people and experiences we need most.
Why Getting Dressed Feels So Heavy
“All the world’s a stage”. Shakespeare got it right back then and the quote is still true today. We’re all dressing in our outfits and playing our roles - like it or not. And some days we just don’t feel like doing any of it. So, getting ready to go out can feel like preparing for a performance when you don't feel like the main character. For many people, especially those juggling parenthood, careers, relationships, and personal healing, the idea of putting on an costume, um, I mean outfit, and walking out the door isn’t just about fashion. It’s about identity and feeling seen when you don’t feel secure, or having to smile when your spirit feels out of sync with the world around you. Truth is, when you’re not feeling your best physically or emotionally, even the simplest social obligation can feel like a mountain.
Do you feel like you’re playing a character that isn’t truly you?
The Guilt We Carry When We Flake
And yet, the world rarely gives us permission to name this feeling. Telling your friend that you’re “just not up for it” invites questions you may not want to answer. Saying aloud that you’re anxious about how you look or feel might sound dramatic - vain even! Not only do we begin to feel guilty about hiding the truth from our friends, we start to feel guilty about how we feel in general. It can be especially damaging to pretend that everything is fine when you’re emotionally unraveling underneath. So what happens? We lie about it—not maliciously, but defensively. We cancel plans and call it self-care, when sometimes it’s actually self-sabotage dressed as self-protection.
Avoidance Isn’t a Personality—It’s a Pattern
If this is something you recognize in yourself, you’re not alone. The thing about patterns is that they don’t take long to form once you build a story around it. I see this in various ways— “I only take pictures on this side because it’s my good side” proceeded by over anxiousness about photos. It’s a story that’s been told to yourself over and over again, forming a pattern of behavior. When it comes to canceling plans, you might say, “Because of _____, I can’t ______”.
This pattern often comes with a side of guilt or shame that lingers long after the event has passed. You might scroll through the photos, replaying what you missed, and make a promise that next time will be different. But if you don’t get to the root of what’s actually stopping you, “next time” becomes a moving target. And eventually, it’s not just about a missed dinner or skipped event—it becomes a lifestyle of absence, of disconnecting not only from others, but from your own self-worth.
It can feel safer to stay at home at times.
What’s Actually Going On?
Is it really your schedule, work, or a headache? Did a situation truly happen just minutes before you were set to leave out or is it the mental gymnastics of putting yourself together in a way that feels authentic? Could it be exhaustion, or is it a deeper disconnection from your current reflection and energy?
Ask yourself:
Is it my energy—or my self-image—that’s low right now?
Do I feel overwhelmed by the pressure to present myself?
What am I facing that is holding back?
These are not easy questions, but they are important to ask regularly. When we pause long enough to ask them, we can start to separate the noise from the truth. We can admit what we’re feeling to ourselves, for ourselves. And that what we need isn’t another excuse, but perhaps another approach—one rooted in grace and self-awareness rather than performance and pressure. By pondering these questions, we can strive to have a better understanding of who we are, allowing our decisions to be led by love instead of fear and hope instead of haunt.
Replace Hiding with Honesty
Admittedly, solving the issue of social anxiety isn’t something one can change overnight. However, I encourage you to consider replacing the habit of hiding with the practice of honesty. You don’t need to have a grand confession or announce anything to the world. Start with a simple, human truth. “I’ve been feeling disconnected from myself lately, and it’s made it hard to go out.” That one sentence can start a dialogue that you can have with yourself, or professional help if you need it, that can help you become more honest. And while you don’t owe anyone an explanation, once you master being honest with yourself, it will make being honest with others much easier. Plus, you deserve it— the chance to live more aligned with what’s real.
Self-care is impactful when it’s rooted in truth and honesty.
You Deserve to Be Seen as You Are
If any of this resonates with you, know that you’re not broken. You’re not flaky. You’re not antisocial. You are someone trying to navigate the weight of expectation and the need for authenticity in a world that doesn’t always make room for both. The next time you feel the urge to cancel or avoid, ask yourself what you're really running from—and what kind of support might help you feel safe enough to re-engage.
You deserve to feel like yourself again. Not just behind closed doors, but out in the world, in your clothes, in your body, and in your truth. If you're ready, I’d be honored to walk with you on this journey to self re-discovery. At the very least, I’d love to hear what helps you deal with any social anxiety. Thank you for reading.
